remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
