I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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