Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize