I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just tell him i said nine months
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
