Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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