I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
sex in a hospital.. check
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
