My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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