Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
