I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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