They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
