Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
