she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
