Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
