Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
