I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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