I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
