I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
