My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
