I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The struggles of a small town man whore
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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