They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
