I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
