I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
