it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
