Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
