Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
