you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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