How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
