She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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