I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
