had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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