if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
