My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
