I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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