apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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