Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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