TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
