I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many bounce houses so little time
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
