Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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