i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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