K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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