Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
