did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think i have herpe
just one?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
