I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
