I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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