I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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