I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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