Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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