Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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