I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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