if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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