You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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