I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just pee around me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
