doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
