Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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