i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
