I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
