sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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