your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize