mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Let's get the cat blown out
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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